The People of Retail Pharmacy Part II

This Post was originally published on March 9th, 2014

The second part of a series almost never lives up to the hype of the first, but I figured that I would give it a shot.  Here are some of the people that I see every day that I work the bench.

Ms Call From the Parking Lot

Everything is going fine when you are on the phone with her until you ask when she wants to pick up her refill, then BAM she drops the bomb, she is waiting right outside and wants it immediately. Yes she knew that she needed this med, yes she knew that she was going to stop by and get it, yes she knows that it takes us a few minutes to get it ready, but no it never crossed her mind that she should let us know before she hit the parking lot. She might also tell you that she will be in “later” and show up within minutes, because it technically is later.

  • Accessories: Cell phone, misplaced sense of time and space

The Foreign Lady

Not to be confused with the Ambigiously Foreign Guy, this woman is in her 30s or 40s and speaks English well but with an accent. Not only does she speak English, but she is able to yell in English. The fact that a product is not commercially available in the US is solely my fault, and I am clearly not smart enough to know how important this medication is to her. If she is looking for a prescription that is available over the counter in her homeland she simply cannot believe that I am not willing to break federal law and just give her what she wants. She may have commuted from Montreal and is upset that I can only provide her with a 500 count bottle of vitamins when she drove all the way there just to buy a 3 year supply.

  • Accessories: Well stamped passport, Some sort of scarf or ascot or whatever

The Travelers

Prepping to leave on a trip is stressful, there is so much that you need to pack, you might even want to bring your meds with you. You have known that you were going away for months now, the fact that you waited until the day before you leave to get your refills is totally my fault. Yes I do know how important this medication is, that is why I provide it to you, it is not my fault that the insurance won’t cover it early. Its Sunday and your flight leaves tomorrow at 8AM, maybe you should have checked to see if you have refills remaining when you Doctor was in the office. Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.  I just wish that I had Medicaid so that I could go on as many vacations as you can.

  • Accessories: Packed suitcases, bottle with no refills

Johnny Come Lately

There has to be a special circle of hell for people who drop off prescriptions within 5 minutes of closing. We all have the one, the guy who just realized that we are closing and that he needs to get his scripts. I sympathize if if someone just got out of work and is rushing home, but if you decided to take a break from playing video games and come in now then you are just getting on my nerves. This is even worse when it becomes a pattern and they know that they are keeping you from going home to your loved ones (even if the only loved ones waiting at home are beers).

  • Accessories: No comprehension of time or etiquette, prescription dated last week

The Dirty Old Man

Congratulations bro, I haven’t seen anybody that proud of buying condoms since that teenager rode his bike over here. I hope that I am that virile when I am 94 years old, but seriously if you wink at me again I am going to have to ask you to leave. AAAHHH now I am going to question if that was a “Look I still got it” wink or a “What are you doing after work” wink (#vermont). I understand your gripes about how your Part D insurance wont pay for Cialis, but I do think that Obama has better things to do than sit around and maliciously deny your claims so that you have to pay out of pocket.

  • Accessories: Box of condoms, motorized scooter

No Deductible Lady

What do I mean that it is going to cost $100?  I mean that your insurance said that you had to pay $100. No I assure you that I am not just pocketing this money. You may say that you have “never heard of such a thing” but I can assure you that we had this same discussion a mere 365 days ago. Ma’am I can print out proof that you paid the same deductible last year. Oh you don’t trust our computer records over your own memory, I am shocked. You can feel free to go to whatever pharmacy that you choose, but you are going to have the same problem everywhere because the pharmacy doesn’t control the copay. If you want I can waste more of my valuable time getting your insurance company on the line so that they can tell you something that you ignored when you got your new cards. See you next year so that we can have the same discussion, its basically tradition now.

  • Accessories: Gigantic purse filled with every card known to man, insurance paperwork sitting on her desk at home

The Stoner College Student

Yeah man I am the pharmacist bro, yeah dude I can totally answer your question. Shut up, I am not your brother, I am a trained professional. Answering questions is part of my job, but I am not going to tell you the best way to get high off readily available medication, that is what the internet is for. I don’t know what Vaporub is the best to put on when you are on Extacy, or which bottle of Robitussin will give you the best robotrip, that is not what I do. I can however point you toward the Visene, its in aisle 6.

  • Accessories: Some sort of smoking device, Hoodie emblazoned with the name of his mid level liberal arts college

Religious Lady

I have no problem with religion, in fact I find it to be pretty interesting. Just because I spend my Sundays at work or at the bar watching football does not mean that I am a heathen that needs to be converted. This lady is probably one of the best annoyances that we could have, she is very sweet. She generally calls in way ahead of time, and is very patient, but she is pushy in her own way. I respect that she is someone who lives what she preaches all week instead of just an hour on Sunday like most people. That being said ending every phone conversation with “bless you” doesnt make up for that fact that she tries to cram her beliefs down the throats of every person she encounters. Since we no longer heal only using faith then should also be a separation of church and medicine.

  • Accessories: Church hat, dozens of tiny biblical pamplets that she leaves at the register

(Note: This statement does not apply to nuns. While nuns are technically religious ladies, they are also married to Christ so they can basically get away with anything)

The Neglectful Parent

I am not a parent so I am really not supposed to judge your ability to take care of another living thing, especially after the horrible death that my houseplant suffered. I suppose that every parent loses their temper from time to time, but there are pretty tell tale signs that this isn’t an occasional thing and you are just a shitty parent. Thanks for letting your kid run around and destroy everything on the bottom 3 shelves. I really appreciated that, maybe if you yell at him louder while reading that magazine in the waiting room you he will stop doing it. Seriously if you swear at him and threaten to hit him again I am calling Child Protective Services. I feel bad for the kid, with you as a roll model and god knows what he caught from all the cigarettes that you smoked during the pregnancy he is clearly is in for a rough life. Now please stop him from terrorizing the No Deductible Lady, and for God’s sake keep him away from the Dirty Old Man.

  • Accessories: Buy one get one free cigarettes, WIC card

Look for Part Three of the Trillogy coming to a Facebook near you in a few weeks


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